Any ideas on how I can fix my query letter?

Shelundra Santiago
65 Chinook Ave.
Savannah, Ga
(912)459-0292
shellysantigo@aol.com



May 6, 2007

Dear Ms. :

I am Shelundra Santiago, and I would like to introduce you to THE MYTHICAL CREATURES OF MILSHEM. The MYTHICAL CREATURES OF MILSHEM is a fantasy story, which has a word count of 75,829. I started working on this story in 2004, and it really has been a treat. I am a first time writer. I have an Associates Degree from Columbia College, here in Savannah, and I am thirty-three credits away from my Bachelors in Psychology.

My story takes place in a small town in the land of Milshem that happens to be divided by a mythical mist. As Jade, Kale and his sister start out on a journey to another land, they encounter a half-dark elf named Alters and his comrade Malic. After Malic, and Alters return to Pallory Docks they are ready to start life in the new town of Klovenstein, until they find out that many of the inhabitants of Milshem have disappeared on the journey to this new land, which they now embark upon. After being sucked into another reality Kaleen, Kale, and Jade are told that they will have to restore the evil that a druid has caused upon the land. They will have to merge with Malic and Alters in order to remove the druid. In order for everything to heal, the mist has to make it to the land of Ubav, the home of the druid. However, due to the evil black magic that the druid has placed over the waters West of Milshem nothing can reach Ubav. Yet, if Milshem is to restore, the group will have to reach Ubav to end the evil druid’s hold on the land.

While I was working on the end of THE MYTHICAL CREATURES OF MILSHEM , I was employed at an Elementary School here in Savannah. I asked some of our students about their ideas and what they would like to see happen. At the request of some of the students, my novel now has some names that were inspired by the kids from Hesse. I think the novel will be great for children in or above the fifth grade. I think adults will love it as well, but I would really like to see it in the market for teens and preteens. I wish to gain representation for my novel. I do not know much about the writing world, so I need a guide. Thank you for your time, and I hope you have a nice day.

Thanks,
Shelundra (Shelly) Santiago




Okay, so this is the deal. My query is not good, but I am not sure what else to add to it. Anyone have any ideas?